Bear Stew #3

Sure, I had my expectations and prejudices watching Bravo’s smash hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Betrayed by Queer as Folk characters charmlessly displaying young hairless gay male behavior, I imagined the new gay makeover show as a Pink Cadillac full of drag queens colliding with a Ford pickup loaded with anxious straight men – some chiffony creampuff violently ripping thick bands off tape of fur-beautiful backs, evilly cackling and dissing.

What I viewed, of course, was far more humane and balanced, at times hilarious. When the Fab Five took under their wing the married-with-children, slightly chunky Adam Z, they waxed his unibrow and earhair, but Carson, the funniest of the crew, didn’t go so far as to pluck a single hair off Adam’s back or cute backside; instead, he smoothed it tenderly, miming an improvised backhair-brush.

However, grooming fashionista Kyan (“There’s no excuse for nose hair. Ever.”) sometimes behaves like a facial-hair fascist. In the second season’s first episode, he hardballs reluctant mountain man Jeff T into shaving his quite chewable beard and decades-old moustache. Jeff, a taxidermist who apparently stuffed some sort of small animal – into his oversized boxers – indeed looks pretty hot with shorter hair. But his weak upper lip would benefit more if accented by a thick sprig of fur.

The straight guys transformed on episodes so far are mostly pretty wooflicious, and it does seem that their lives are affected very positively, if only temporarily. Strong production values, and genuine nods to traditionally masculine images – such as the opening sequence “posse” of queerguyz swaggering toward the camera in trendy sunglasses and black suits – help make this show a cut above the usual gay TV programming.

Let’s just hope that the network doesn’t confuse QEFTSG with their other boffo gayboi show, Boy Meets Boy, where cute young cleanshaven guys try to win the best man’s heart – but some of the boyfriends to be are really hetero! Imagine if after the Queer Guys’ fashion and lifestyle douche, the “straight guy” turned out to be a gay or bi BEAR? It might be outrageously funny – or it might it might just seem like bear-bashing. But consider how much fun it might be if some beefy, butch homo-urso went undercover as straight, got on the QEFTSG spinoff, then revealed himself as a proud gay bear. He’d staunchly refuse the Fab Five’s prettifying manicures and growl, “Here’s a flying fashion tip for you,” then flip those boyz a big ol’ bear-sized bird.

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I’ve raved over queer rocker Rufus Wainwright’s music for years now, but just recently noticed his hairy (if scrawny) chest. In a recent Boston Globe interview, singer-songwriter-performer Rufus declared he doesn’t approve of Bon Jovi’s chest waxing: “If you wax anywhere, it should be your [rear end] hair. I don’t wax. And really, if you have hair, it’s a fabulous badge of honor.” Kudos to Rufus for standing up to those freakin’ metrosexual rockers. And check out his brilliant new CD, “Want One.”

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It’s probably just a matter of time before some good-looking gorilla of a major pro football, baseball, soccer, or wrestling figure comes out publicly as a gay/bi Bear. For some reason, I always want to nominate – in the “Pro Sports Bear Whose Sweat I Most Deeply Desire To Lick” category – baseball sluggers like Mark McGwire or Kevin Millar. But really, any of dozens of man-loving men in pro sports must be in the unenviable position of having to consider the disastrous effects – for their careers and marriages – of coming out as bisexual or gay. I say “bisexual” here, because I believe some of these guys must honestly love their wives or girlfriends but sure as hell don’t mind getting their knobs polished by another guy – especially if it’s, say, another drop-dead-handsome hypermacho teammate. Or even a buddy who ain’t so purty but somehow in the showers accidentally pushes a coupla thick strong fingers up your ass. Something like that. Sports star fuck fantasy aside (Rafael Palmeiro: if you’re reading this and need to work off some excess Viagra, call me), I really wonder how many guys actually would considering coming out, as they undoubtedly would never want to become the Ellen Degeneres of professional sports. But even though Ellen’s damn well on top of her game, I don’t know how soon maybe a pro sportsbear could see how it wouldn’t necessarily mean career suicide and decide that it was time to come out swinging his bat at sexual repression – especially his own.

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In August, Canadian filmmaker and woofter Clark Nikolai gathered various films examining and celebrating bear subculture for Barbophilia, as part of the Vancouver BC “Out on Screen” filmfest. The collection of shorts explored a range of bear-related subjects, including hair, gaining, food, “barbophobia,” body image, and unfashionable desire. Included was the romantic comedy, A Bear’s Story (profiled earlier this year in AmBear); bad porn is considered in Porn-Proof; More Than Hair Care Products explores the hidden subtext of anti-consumerism among bears; Hard Fat challenges preconceived notions of masculinity, desire, and beauty; Lazy Bear 2002 looks at the major circuit-bear event in Guerneville; and folks gather for food and friendship in My Heart the Cook. Clark’s own outstanding film, done in collaboration with the equally woofy Martin Borden, the short feature Men on Men on Fur, features some amazing cinematography. The camera pans expanses of beards and fur-covered bellies and backs, transforming bear-bods into gorgeous, eerily erotic landscapes that truly glorify hairy maleness.

The film screened in the Melbourne International Queer and the Denver International GLBT filmfests, and was shown to an enthusiastic crowd at the February Paws for Words, BOSFÕs lit-arts cultural event during IntÕl Bear Rendezvous. Find out more at http://www.outonscreen.com/festival/2003/film_guide/barbo.html.

This column first appeared in American Bear magazine #59, February/March 2004.