Bear Stew #1

Prime-time bears: By now everyone’s heard of Bears hitting network TV like a ton of fuzzy dice: In a February episode of the TV sitcom Will & Grace, Jack, when asked by Karen if he wants to go shopping, retorts, “Does a gay bear have anonymous sex in the woods?” Hey guys! Thanks for stereotyping me as someone who likes to have sex out in the woods with hot hairy guys whose names I may or may not know. Never happens to me. At least, not recently. Anywho, Jack squealing ‘gay bear’ on primo TV really busted the phrase ‘gay bears’ into homes across America. . .

Riding the wave of bear-recognition spreading across the airwaves, Homer Simpson – who has arguably greater worldwide face recognition than Prez Dubya – was outed as a Bear on the April 11, 2003 episode. In the show, a young Smithers, looking kinda hot in Daisy Dukes, is trying to explain his presence in the gay section of Springfield to Homer when a bus of gayguyz whizzes by, calling out to Smithers, “Who’s that [cute] Bear you’re with?”

Got validation? Uncle Spunk spied, a few pre-Pride weeks ago in In Newsweekly, the New England GLBTQ weekly, a full-page back-cover ad for Coors Light, featuring a list of queer “types” arranged in a cluster: TOP, Leather Daddy, Lipstick, Gay, Tomboy, ad nauseum. Right below the TOP of the typographically varied list is BEAR. Kudos to Coors Brewing Co. for being the first major advertiser to hawk a national product directly to Bear subculture. Next to a giant pic of icy-cold bottle of [yawn] “Silver Bullet” Light, the tagline reads: “The only label you need.”

Did I actually need a label? I checked my t-shirt tag to see if the label indicated that I’m the sorta guy who indeed needs a label. So gratifying to know Bears have become an official market niche, with all the attendant assimilation, just like every other glbtq stereotype listed. Well, we asked for validation, and we got it. Now what?

The Joy of Bear Sex: Score a big fat furry bearhug for Felice Picano and Dr. Charles Silverstein, authors of newly revised Joy of Gay Sex! Even more informative and engaging than before, this third revised HarperCollins edition features new drawings and almost 30 new entries – including a charming and well-considered description of Bears: “Nit-picking bears sometimes argue about how much hair is required to a member of beardom (could there be a hairless bear?). But many bears also claim that physical characteristics take a backseat to a certain set of attitudes about gay masculine behavior, adding up to an entire ‘bear culture’.” Joe Collins‘s drawing shows three “bears” sized closer to his usual smooth six-packed boys; still, it’s always nice to see some fur, alongside some thoughtful writing that pretty much spells it all out, especially for nonbears who just don¹t get us, and includes bear resources for readers. Buy The Joy of Gay Sex, Revised & Expanded Third Edition from Amazon.

Real Bear Stew? Just enough space to mention PJ Grayand Stan Hunter‘s book Bear Cookin’. Colorful, appetizing pictures of bear food and bear mouths on the cover, it’s a tad lean on content, although some dishes sound marvelous. It’s out by Harrington Park Press, in a trail of bear-themed successes following The Bear Books, The Bear Handbook, and Jonathan Cohen‘s hilarious subcultural spoof, Bear Like Me. It’s gratifying to note that this press also bothers to advertise their bear-themed selections in AmBear.

Does Bear porno matter? Sure, you can say that Bears are everywhere, but looking at the latest TLA video catalog to pop into my mailslot, I gotta ask: why do they carry so darned few bear porn videos? Sixty-four pages of the hottest gay smut, and there are six – count ’em – six measley Bear-themed videos of the “hairiest and the hunkiest.” Now, these TLA folks aren’t all bad – they carry a hot little volume of fiction called Bearotica that I’m fond of – but it seems that a gay subculture as sexually expressive and as un-camera-shy as Bears should have greater representation in this company¹s catalog, arguably the largest of its kind.

What are we, invisible to the body-beautiful gay porn industry? Now, as far as I know, there aren’t any bear-themed videos represented at the Grabbys, AVN‘s annual national gaypornvid awards taking place during IML in Chicago. No bear videos nominated, no award honoring any of the 12-15 bear-themed pornvids released annually by outfits like Manhunter, Bearporn.com, Titan, &c. Where are our idols, our icons, our bear-gods? What a rad idea: a group of bears protesting for greater representation at the Grabbys. I can hear the chanting now: “Whadda we want?! BEARSMUT! When do we want it? NOW!”

This column first appeared in American Bear magazine, October/November 2003.