Bear Stew #9
Tasty Manbytes Served Steaming Hot
by Ron Suresha
A long-overdue growl goes out to the bearguys on SIRIUS OutQ subscription satellite radio: the smart, smooth-talking, and droll John McMullen and his partner, Charlie Dyer, Executive Producer of OutQ, the premier GLBTQ radio network. Also gracing the airwaves is noted music critic Larry Flick, whose interview appeared two years ago in AmBear – and whose nekkid pictures have also graced these pages. These smooth-talking furries featuring DJ Jeremy Hovies opened the studio doors last summer to several bear musicians to hang out and bang out tunes live on air, including bear rock star and Bearapalooza promoter Freddy Freeman. I may never tire of hearing Harvey Feinstein sweetly rasping the station ID: “Because Out is In!”
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Cox Communications hawks its digital cable services in an ad playing here throughout the Northeast featuring two heavyset, fur-faced satellite installers intent on screwing unsuspecting customers with extra charges. Maybe their vocal inflections or goatee styling tipped me off Ð or have I seen this couple at a New England Bears event?
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To eliminate confusion among the less ursine-enlightened among us, a number of “li-bear-ians” from the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Librarians Network have succeeded, after trying for more than six years, in getting the Library of Congress to recognize the subject classification of gay/bi male Bears. According to reports on the Bears Mailing List, “Bears (Gay culture)” joined the official list of LC Subject Headings in May 2004: “Here are entered works on gay men who refer to themselves as ‘bears’ because they are heavier-set, hairy, older, and/or have mustaches or beards.”
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In the rowdy ol’ Wild Wild West frontier days, “loaded for bear” used to mean that one’s rifle was loaded and ready for attack by any hostile grizzly one might encounter. Now it more commonly means “fully prepared.” Still, I can’t help thinking about some of my pals when they go out to the local bear-bar or bathhouse, bumped up on Vitamin V (aka “big blue” aka Viagra) and downright determined to bag themselves a bear or cub that night: no doubt, having stiffened their resolve, they’re “loaded for bear” too.
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Are your manly parts well covered? No, I donÕt mean, are they hidden away under your 2(x)ist boxer-briefs or NYPD jockstrap. IÕm talking body-hair insurance. We all know lotsa guys who fetishize guy-fur, but taking out a policy may seem a little excessive. Really though, itÕs not such a wacko concept. Recently Underwriters at “Lloyd’s of London announced the ultimate celebrity cover: chest hair insurance. The British insurer, which prides itself on covering risks others dare not touch, devised the policy after receiving a call from the agent of an unnamed celebrity. It provides men with cover of up to £1 million for permanent loss of 85% of their chest hair caused by accident, verified by two independent experts. Loss through illness or the hair simply falling out is not covered. A Lloyd’s spokesman said: “It is the oddest I can remember. It is for performers who require the impression of manliness.” As with all policies, don’t forget to read the small print: hair loss from nuclear contamination, terrorism, mass destruction, war, invasion, or revolution is not covered; nor is loss from skin-diving, hunting on horseback, or hang-gliding. Fire-eaters are specifically excluded.
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Neatly sandwiched between the drama of the World Series and the spectacle of the Super Bowl, the World Beard and Moustache Championships (WBMC) occurred in November, in the unlikely fur-face Mecca of Carson City, Nevada. Men who have devoted years of their lives to cultivating finely groomed facial hair faced off in 17 categories with a “panel of distinguished judges” deciding the winners, attracting attention from major media including CNN and NPR. For a look at how your facial follicles stack up against the world’s best, check out the gallery for a peek at the mouth-masking sideburns of Eduardo and the imposing imperial moustache of nattily attired Jürgen. The next WBMC will take place in Berlin, Germany in October 2005 to be hosted by the Berlin Beard Club. WBMC 2005 will coincide with the annual national holiday commemorating the fall of the Berlin Wall and German reunification, which the club claims is the biggest national celebration (bigger even than Oktoberfest – now that’s a whole lotta oompah going down). Interested in traveling to WBMC 2005 to see the bearded and mustachioed masses (and mousses – can you say, “big hair boys”?) and to root for the competitors – maybe even compete yourself? Travel packages are available for those seeking to enjoy a festive weekend of beer, brats, and a bevy of bearded brothers.
This column, Bear Stew #9, first appeared in American Bear magazine #64, February-March 2005.
